Daniel's Loss
by dreamer one
Summary: While Daniel rejoices in the happiness Jack & Sam finally find together, he continues to struggle with love & loss during the first few years of his friends' marriage. Part 4 in the Alone series, but can be read as a stand alone.
1. Chapter 1 After Sha're

CHAPTER ONE: AFTER SHA'RE

After Sha're, life became more focused. My interests became more focused. My priorities changed. If you asked some people, I was probably still a "geek", but had started to carry a gun, a big gun. I was chasing the bad guys in hope of finding, and later avenging, my wife.

Within a few months, I barely recognized myself. Although I'd eventually been given office space at the SGC where I brought everything I could find referencing Egyptology, ancient languages and mythology in general, the time I spent with my books and research was greatly reduced. Jack insisted I spend at least two hours a day in the gym when we were on Earth. He told me with his inimitable sarcasm that he wasn't going to be responsible for my "scrawny butt" forever and expected me to hold my own in a fight.

Jack O'Neill was going to take some getting used to; a brief trip together to Abydos was one thing, but working with him, every day, day after day, I knew that would be a challenge.

It seemed we had a "difference of opinion" on everything. And that was putting it mildly. He was a bona fide military mind. Not exactly a straight arrow, but certainly a military strategist who respected the chain of command, Jack was a conundrum. A man not afraid to speak his mind, often in sarcastic, offending quips, he was the model of loyalty once that loyalty had been earned. He wouldn't hesitate to put his life on the line for any member of his team. I had to like the guy and I certainly admired his strength of purpose. I have to admit, at the beginning, some of his intensity scared me. In the long run, I think it was that intensity that bonded us together. It was an intensity born of tragedy and loss.

Sam quickly became the sister I'd never had. A lovely, intelligent, genuinely friendly human being, she welcomed just about anyone and tried to see the best in them. Her warmth helped me survive those first few months of military frostbite when I was frequently put off by the lack of human feeling and compassion I saw around me at the SGC.

Then there was Teal'c. What can I say? He scared me for a long while. After all, he was the one who had taken Sha're in the first place. A big part of me wanted nothing more than to kill him, not work alongside him. What was Jack O'Neill thinking? This man was the enemy.

It took me a long time to really trust Teal'c. I think I blamed him for Sha're's loss until the day he actually killed her body and the parasite, Amunet. Then in many ways, that particular nightmare was over. As hard as it was to know Sha're was gone for good, there was closure in seeing her body die, some peace in knowing her suffering was over. This innocent, simple girl who'd wanted nothing but to be loved was finally free.

For me, her actual death marked another turning point in my life. My purpose, the whole motivation for being in the Stargate program, was gone. I had to ask myself, why would I stay? What was left for me? The answer was fairly simple when I looked for it. In spite of myself, I'd made friends. Me, the orphan, the one always hanging on the outside, looking in, I was part of something. A program, a campaign, a battle; more importantly, I was part of a family. Sometime while I wasn't watching, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and I had become family for each other. As real and certain as anything sealed in flesh and blood, we were bonded, in the best and truest sense of that word.

A/N: Just a short starting piece to set the scene for the chapters to come. Hope you like it. I'd appreciate any and all feedback as this is my first time trying to write Daniel in any detail.


	2. Chapter 2 Sarah

CHAPTER TWO: SARAH

Sarah Gardner and I had known each other since our post-doctoral work at Oxford. If Jack thought I was a geek when he first met me, he should have seen me then! Books, study and ancient artifacts were all I cared about, all that existed as far as I was concerned. That was until I met Sarah.

I was twenty-four years old and Sarah was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Looking back, I didn't have a chance. Within a month, we'd begun a torrid affair that burnt itself out within a year. We didn't part on the best of terms; unfortunately, there were more than enough hurt feelings to go around. By the time we met again at Professor Jordan's funeral, I'd worked for the SGC nearly four years. For better or worse I'd learned about love and loss in ways I'd never imagined.

After the funeral, I had less than a week to get to know Sarah again. Then the Sarah I'd known was gone, possessed by the most vile of creatures, the Goa'uld, Osiris. My mind and heart were horrified to think of the gentle, self assured, scholarly woman I'd known as Sarah Gardner possessed by evil of such magnitude.

From the moment of her violation, my encounters with Sarah were nightmarish. I reluctantly witnessed acts of terrible cruelty wrought by her hands under the insistence of her imperious, inhuman slave master.

On the day we were miraculously able to liberate Sarah, I was grateful. Grateful to the Tok'ra and to whatever Higher Power had finally allowed us to take back control in Sarah's name.

The initial euphoria of our achievement began to fade within the first week the parasite was removed. Sarah began to experience vivid and horrific flashbacks to the time she spent as Osiris' slave and the vicious acts she'd been compelled to commit. Within a month, in order to protect her from herself, Sarah was committed to a sanitarium. The facility was very secure, very top secret and very pleasant, but it was still a mental hospital and being there only frightened her more.

Sam tried to help, thinking her own ordeal as a host would provide the experience and understanding needed to reach Sarah. But it wasn't enough. Sarah's experience had been so much more intense. Sam later told me she couldn't even begin to imagine Sarah's distress. After all, Jolinar had been a relatively benevolent Tok'ra and Sam's experience of blending, terrifying as it was, had been brief.

Once Sarah was released from the sanitarium, nearly a year later, it was clear she needed someone to watch over her. I happily stepped forward and spent whatever free time I had with her. It was like having Sha're returned to me. And before I knew it, I began to fall in love with Sarah all over again.

By the time we started to see each other, Jack and Sam had finally married; Sarah and I had gone to the wedding together. As I watched two of my best friends find their way home to each other, the happiness I felt for them was mixed with envy. I needed someone in my own life and Sarah needed me. I think what happened next was as simple and as complicated as that.

Jack took me aside one day after he and Sam came home from their honeymoon. After beating around the bush as he usually did when trying to discuss personal issues, he finally got to the point. He was worried about me and how close I was getting to Sarah. He wondered about Sarah's emotional stability. I told him he had nothing to worry about. At the moment I was speaking to him, I believed everything I told my friend. After all, I loved Sarah and together we could handle anything, right? I hoped with all my heart that was true.

Withintwo years, Sarah and I were engaged to be married.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the long break between very short chapters. I was on vacation!

The next few chapters will get a bit dark, therefore the "mature" rating.

Please review and offer any suggestions you may have.


	3. Chapter 3 Marriage

CHAPTER THREE: MARRIAGE

The day before the Jackson-Gardner wedding, the sun shone brightly. Sam, Jack and the twins had just returned from their adventure on Kheb and had been immediately recruited for the wedding party.

"This is a mistake," a less than enthusiastic Jack O'Neill complained to his wife. "Sarah is a sick woman. Daniel doesn't need this. Hell she was a Goa'uld for two years, Sam."

"Your point?" Sam asked, fixing him with her best 'you're being unfair look'.

"My point? My point is that my best friend is marrying a mentally unstable woman who has tried to kill all of us just a few years ago. And from what I can tell, she's not doing a lot better now."

"Sarah's sick. You know she's been in and out of the hospital," Sam reasoned.

"See, that's my point," Jack countered.

"Jack, do you remember what I was like after Jolinar?" Sam asked after a moment's consideration.

"Don't remind me. You were so depressed, I wasn't sure you'd ever come around."

"So did you and Daniel and Teal'c give up on me?"

"Well no, but that was different."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you were one of us. We were a team."

"And Sarah asked to be a Goa'uld, I suppose."

"Sam you know that's not what I mean," Jack replied, his voice becoming a little more strident. "I just don't look forward to standing as a witness to my best friend ruining his life."

"Okay, I can see I'm getting nowhere," Sam concluded, deciding to change tactics. "Have you talked to Daniel about this?"

"Yeah, he doesn't want to hear it."

"Well, what did you expect? He's in love, Jack and at least as hard headed as you."

"Hard headed? Is that what I am?" he quipped.

"Hard headed, stubborn, single minded and incredibly handsome," Sam whispered the final syllables into his ear. "And I love you anyway," she said, pulling him into a gentle loving kiss, feeling his arms tighten around her. "And Jack, Daniel loves Sarah, in spite of, or because of, all her problems."

"So you're going to tell me just be there for him, no matter what, right?"

"Sounds like a good idea to me, Mr. Best Man."

OoOoOo

Sam could relate to her husband's misgivings. She'd talked with him before about her own concern for both Daniel and Sarah. She didn't bring it up again today… well just because. She knew there was nothing to be solved by more worrying at this point. She and Jack had both talked with Daniel, and Sam, well she'd spoken with Sarah several times. Gently, she'd tried to persuade Sarah that perhaps right now, still in the midst of upheaval and adjustments in her medications might not be the best time to enter a marriage. But Sarah had been determined to go ahead, hoping against hope that somehow marriage to Daniel would give her the stability she needed.

In the days leading up to the wedding, Janet had reassured Sam she'd done all she could. Janet reminded her friend of all the ways she'd tried to help Sarah over the past few years. Sam had been the one who insisted Sarah avail herself of the best possible outpatient therapy between her hospitalizations. At Sam's urging, Sarah had been included in all social occasions at the O'Neills, even when her behavior was erratic and disturbing to others. What's more, Sam had continued to try and relate to Sarah, sharing her own experience of symbiote possession. But none of this seemed to be of any help. Sarahremained at the mercy of her demons; when she least expected it, the memories would flood back and no amount of therapy or medication seemed to ease her pain.

So now at the eleventh hour, the O'Neills resigned themselves to coming events. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion. A good friend, really a member of their family in all the ways that counted, was getting married tomorrow. They were both standing up as witnesses. They wished Daniel and Sarah the happiness they had found together these past few years. But right now, it seemed unlikely that the coming nuptials would herald that much sought after contentment.

OoOoOo

The ceremony itself went off without a hitch. The wedding was a small affair held in a local park and conducted by a justice of the peace. Sarah was stunningly beautiful, her now long golden hair framed by an exquisite Victorian veil. Sam had done an expert make-up job to conceal the dark circles under the bride's eyes and repair the mascara smudges from the nervous tears she'd cried earlier that morning.

Sarah and Daniel looked happy as they recited their vows. The O'Neills hoped and prayed this was a sign of things to come.

OoOoOo

(Two days after the wedding …)

"Sarah, are you ready? It's about time to leave," Daniel called into the bedroom where his new wife was dressing. They were due at the airport to leave for their honeymoon within the hour.

"I don't know about this, Daniel. I'm not sure I can go," Sarah said as she walked into the living room, clearly not ready to leave the house. "You don't mind, do you? I'm just not feeling up to it. I think I'll stay inside today. Will you stay with me?"

Daniel swallowed and pushed down his disappointment, reminding himself that his wife was ill and would be for some time. "I understand. I'll call the travel agent. We'll go when you're ready, Sarah. I'll stay home with you today."

"Thank you."

During the next week, Sarah refused to leave the house. She ate sparingly and talked even less. Daniel had seen her like this before but now the depression was more severe than he had seen in the past. He'd taken her back to hospital, where she'd spent another week of her life, being evaluated, analyzed and given the best available therapy. Her psychotropic medications were adjusted and she was sent home.

Daniel had returned to work during the week Sarah was hospitalized. Once she was discharged he took another few days leave to settle her in again. His work was suffering; he'd completely abandoned off world assignments, but he knew this was the only choice he had right now. His wife needed him and he planned to be there for her.

Fortunately, when Sarah returned home she seemed much better. She took an active role in starting to furnish the new house they'd moved into and made her best efforts to be a good wife to Daniel. She even suggested rescheduling their honeymoon trip. Daniel was relieved to see her beginning to show some enthusiasm for their life together. By the end of the month, Sarah had taken a part-time job as a research assistant at a local college. Daniel felt confident he could return to work, but guilty to find he was relieved to be leaving home every day. In any case, Sarah was better.

She was gone within the week.

* * *

A/N: **Very **few hits to this story so far. Maybe it got lost on the site.

Please review and let me know if you like. If not, please write with constructive suggestions about what can be improved.

Just push the little button! Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4 Breakdown

A/N: This chapter deals with the tragedy of suicide.

CHAPTER FOUR: BREAKDOWN

Suicide – the act of taking one's own life.

_Daniel's POV:_

_I'd never known anyone who'd felt badly enough to kill themselves. There'd been friends over the years who'd told me of people they'd lost in that particularly difficult way. I was convinced suicide was an exceedingly cruel way to leave people who cared about you._

OoOoOo

Within twelve hours after Sarah left the house, the assembled forces of the state police and the SGC marines were hunting for her.

Daniel had returned home at 2000 hours to find no Sarah and no sign she'd returned home from work that day. Understandably concerned, he called her supervisor at the university and was told Sarah had called in sick that morning, saying she had a doctor's appointment. Daniel, who'd been privy to all her psychiatric treatment, had not been aware of this particular appointment.

She'd left everything at home. Clothes, credit cards, make-up and one very bewildered, panicked husband, all was left behind, seemingly without a thought. Hours morphed into days, as Daniel and his friends spearheaded the search for a woman they feared was in imminent danger.

Before her disappearance, Daniel and the rest of SG1 had believed Sarah's conditionwas improved; now, their assessment of Sarah's mental status had changed. Searching the house hadshown Daniel's nine mil service revolver was missing along with a full clip he'd kept locked in a wall safe. There was no question in their minds Sarah had found the combination and taken the weapon with her. What had changed? What was really going on for Sarah?

Daniel had managed to track the medical appointment through Sarah's psychiatrist. Fortunately, Sarah had long ago signed a medical release allowing the therapist to speak with both her husband and Sam. Sarah's therapist gave Daniel information that turned everything on its head. Sarah feared she was pregnant and had scheduled an exam with her gynecologist the day she disappeared.

Sam and Daniel visited Sarah's gynecologist later the next day. By then the results of the pregnancy test had returned and Sarah was indeed pregnant, by the doctor's estimation, about twelve weeks along.

The days stretched on. Jack asked himself repeatedly how a pregnant woman, with no stealth training and panic attacks could possibly hide from professionals for as long as she did. The answer, Sam supplied, was that this same woman was privy to the knowledge of one of the most cunning, deceitful, resourceful creatures in the universe, the Goa'uld, Osiris. The same treacherous memories that likely drove her to disappear now helped her conceal her whereabouts from those determined to bring her home.

OoOoOo

A little less than a month after Sarah's disappearance, Daniel received an unexpected phone call. Awakened abruptly in the middle of the night, Daniel answered the phone, wiping sleep from his eyes.

"Hello."

"Is this Dr. Jackson?"

"Yes, I'm Dr. Jackson. Who's this?"

"Special Agent Taylor, FBI, Dr. Jackson. I have information concerning your wife. I thought you'd want to be notified as soon as possible."

"You've found her. Is she alright? Where is she?"

"I'd like you to come down to the department so we can discuss things. Is there someone who can come with you?"

"Yes, of course. But is she alright?"

"Dr. Jackson, I don't discuss investigations over the phone. I'll be here when you arrive."

Daniel hung up the phone. His hand was trembling. As it was, he'd been getting precious little sleep since Sarah left and now, now he didn't know what to think. In any case, Jack had told him in no uncertain terms to call as soon as he heard anything. Without hesitation, Daniel dialed the phone to take his friend up on his offer.

As soon as Jack had been brought up to speed, he'd offered to accompany Daniel to the local FBI office. Refusing to take no for an answer, he'd dressed, kissed Sam goodbye and met his friend clear across town within half an hour.

Once the two friends saw Agent Taylor's drawn expression, their worst fears were confirmed. Jack could feel Daniel's posture slump as soon as they were ushered into a small room, one routinely used for interrogations. In this circumstance, Agent Taylor's assignment was to notify next of kin.

"Dr. Jackson, there's no easy way to say this. We've found your wife. I'm afraid she's dead."

Staring at the man, clearly in shock, Daniel managed a strangled "How?"

"At this point, we believe it was suicide. There will be a full investigation, examination of the scene, but we have a note left by your wife. It's addressed to you. Again, my apologies, but given the circumstances, we've read it and it indicates her death was a suicide."

Daniel closed his eyes, hoping somehow he could escape the reality of all of this. When he opened them again, he saw the agent placing a simple white envelope into his hand. The writing was Sarah's. What had she done? What was so bad that she couldn't come to him?

"Agent Taylor, if you don't mind, Dr. Jackson and I are going to step out for a few moments. When we come back, where can we find you?" Jack asked, instinctively taking control of the situation, trying to help his friend in any way he could.

"I'll be in my office, next door down, General O'Neill. I'll need to talk with both of you before you leave tonight."

"Don't worry, we'll be there," Jack replied. Then turning to Daniel he invited, "Come on, let's get some air."

OoOoOo

It was a dark night, the moon a small sliver of light, half hidden by clouds. Jack walked his friend outside and stood facing him, unable to see his expression, but hearing the intensity of his silence.

"You did everything you could, Daniel."

"Did I, Jack? I don't think so." Holding up the small white envelope Agent Taylor had given him, Daniel gestured towards it. "This says I didn't do nearly enough."

"You haven't even read it, Daniel. I can't imagine Sarah blaming you for anything."

"You don't get it, do you? I blame myself. I was her husband; I should have known she was in danger. I should have stayed with her instead of digging goddamned, stupid rocks on some stupid, stupid site."

Jack had no idea what to say. He wished he'd let Sam come, she'd have been able to comfort Daniel. Hell, who was he kidding, no one was going to comfort Daniel now. His wife was dead and he blamed himself.

"Let's go in, Jack. I need to read this and hear what else Taylor has to tell us."

Once back inside, Daniel excused himself to read Sarah's note in private. Private… of course the contents of his wife's last communication with him were anything but private, they were part of an investigation of her death and the police had already read her words. But they were meant for him. He knew that was Sarah's intent and so with a heavy heart he began to read.

"Dear Daniel,

This is a letter I never meant to write you. My sister took her own life when I was sixteen, so I know how cruel this is to the people left behind.

I never wanted to hurt you, Daniel. From the moment we met at Oxford, all you've done is care for me. You've been so loyal. I've watched you give up so much, just to be with me.

I really thought things would get better, that I would get better. But that never happened. Just when I thought I might have a chance, the nightmares always came back.

Daniel, I know I'm pregnant. I couldn't. I couldn't have this child. I couldn't carry this child. It was like having the Goa'uld inside me again. I know that sounds crazy, but then again, I am, aren't I?"

I can't live like this anymore. I hoped that by going far away it wouldn't hurt you so much. Now that the day is here, I knowyou'llhurt, no matter how or where Ido this. I'm sorry. Daniel, at least this way, it's over. You can find someone to love, someone who can make you laugh, who can make you happy. I'd never be able to do that, my darling and you deserve more.

Please don't hate me. I can't see another way to free us both.

All my love,

Sarah"

His face a mask, devoid of emotions, Daniel Jackson left the small conference room where he'd read Sarah's letter. Catching one look at his friend's face, Jack grimaced at the pain he knew was hidden behind the mask. Daniel had learned the military mask well over the past few years and Jack wasn't so sure anymore that this particular skill was such a good thing.

The two men reluctantly returned to Agent Taylor's office where they heard the details of Sarah's death.

The FBI had a call from the local police in Los Angeles two days earlier reporting that an apparent suicide they'd found in a hotel room matched the description of a missing person. Actually, it was the fingerprints that matched. Sarah, it seems, had succeeded in changing her appearance drastically and had been using an assumed name. She clearly did not want to be found.

"Can I see her?" Daniel asked, interrupting the agent's description of the crime scene.

"Excuse me?"

"My wife, can I see her?"

"Of course, that can be arranged."

"Just one question, Agent Taylor. Do you have any question that this was a suicide?"

"Honestly, no, Dr. Jackson. Your wife died from a single gunshot wound to her temple. Her prints were on the weapon, residue on her hands and she had a history of psychiatric problems. And of course, you have the note. I don't see any reason to doubt this was a suicide. I'm sorry."

OoOoOo

Daniel viewed Sarah's body silently, Jack at his side. After holding her hand for a few moments and gently caressing her face, Daniel turned away from the body and exited the viewing room. Jack followed him at a discrete distance, sprinting to catch up when Daniel moved to get into his car.

"Hey, Daniel. I'll drive. You're coming home with me," he stated as a matter of fact, taking the car keys out of his friend's hand.

Daniel was too overwhelmed to protest Jack's offer, briefly looking his former team leader in the eye. Without further delay, Daniel slid into the passenger seat. Jack got in behind the wheel, turned the key in the ignition and began the journey home.

* * *

_Next chapter up soon; this will deal with Daniel's reactions and how he begins to rebuild his life._

_Please review._


	5. Chapter 5 What Comes Next

CHAPTER FIVE: WHAT COMES NEXT

By 0800 Daniel and Jack had arrived at the O'Neill home. Jack had driven Daniel's car, leaving his own at Daniel's to be picked up later. Jack was concerned but hardly surprised that his friend hadn't said a word during the twenty minute trip from the morgue. There'd been complete silence. Jack certainly had no idea what to say.

"We're here, Daniel. Come on, let's go in," he encouraged, Daniel silently following his directions.

Jack had called Sam from the FBI offices while Daniel had gone off alone to read Sarah's note. She was at the front door to meet them, as ready for this as she'd ever be. The twins, normally full of energy this early in the morning, had been told Uncle Daniel was very, very sad and Mommy and Daddy needed them to be extra good today so he could rest when he came over. Cassie was on her way to take them out for the day so Daniel could have some peace and quiet with his friends.

"Daniel," Sam said softly as the younger man walked in with her husband. Jack looked haggard, but Daniel looked pitiful. Sam slowly walked up to him, opened her arms and let Daniel walk into her embrace. He clung to her in a way that chilled her heart. She could feel him trembling and she held him tighter, glancing over her shoulder at Jack and motioning with her eyes towards the kitchen where she had prepared orange juice, coffee and other breakfast items. If she could do nothing else she could feed him.

As Jack came back into the room with orange juice and a bagel, Sam led Daniel over to the couch and they both slowly sat down. Seeming to come out of it, Daniel looked up at Jack and mouthed "thank you" as he took the glass of juice from his friend's hand. As Jack slowly took a seat across from his wife, the twins came running into the room, stopping in their tracks as they saw their Uncle Danny. Looking from their mother to their father for direction, their smiles began to return when Daniel pulled himself up from couch and walked over to them, kneeling down so he could see them eye to eye.

"Hi, you two. Glad you're here. It's okay, you guys won't bother me."

Grace and Jake chose that moment to spontaneously throw their arms around their uncle's neck, holding on for all they were worth. Finally, Daniel's tears started. Silently at first, but soon Sam began to hear Daniel crying. She walked over to lead the twins slightly away from her distraught friend.

"It's okay, Sam. I won't hurt them."

"Oh Daniel, I know that, I just…" Sam began, truly at a loss.

"Uncle Danny's sad, mommy, we know all about it." Jake said matter-of-factly. Daddy said it's okay to cry, 'member?"

"Yes, it is Jake," Jack said softly, coming over to tousle his son's hair. He offered a hand to Daniel who was still on his knees and gently pulled him to a standing position. "Come on, we gotta eat something. Sam's got all this food ready."

"Okay," Daniel said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffing slightly. Munchkins got to eat, right you two?"

"Yay! Breakfast with Uncle Danny!"

After a light breakfast of orange juice and half a bagel – really all he could manage – Daniel felt a little stronger physically. He was in shock, at least emotionally. His responses muted and feeling numb all over his body, he sat with Jack in the family room while Sam prepared the twins for their day with Cassie.

"I couldn't save her Jack. Why couldn't I save her?"

"Maybe it wasn't up to you. Maybe it was Sarah's decision in the end."

"It was my gun."

"Mine too, Daniel, I know all about that one."

"I should have known better."

"Me too."

The two men lapsed into silence. They'd been bonded by tragedy before; they'd both walked through more than their share. Both realized that none of that helped them in the least right now. For now, the only thing that mattered, the only feeling demanding attention, was Daniel's grief for Sarah. There was no way Jack or anyone else could make that better.

OoOoOo

Without much protest, Daniel agreed to stay with the O'Neills, at least until after the funeral. He was silent for the most part, responding to the children more than anyone else, and sometimes to Sam's gentle, sad smile. Jack was heartened to see Daniel smile in response to the twins. This was about the only hopeful sign on the horizon.

The night before the funeral, Sam unexpectedly met Daniel in the kitchen, wide awake and drinking coffee at 0300. Hardly the perfect time to talk, but Sam was glad for the opportunity. She simply sat with Daniel and waited for him to start.

"Didn't I love her enough? Sam, I tried. I thought I could help her. Why couldn't she talk to me about the baby?"

"I don't know why she didn't come to you about the baby. But I believe you loved her with all your heart, until you had nothing left to give."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure we'll ever really know, Daniel. I can only guess she was terrified, terrified of loosing control again. Of loosing herself, of hurting you."

"Well she didn't exactly avoid that, now did she. I'm feelin' pretty hurt," Daniel stated hollowly, an incongruous smile on his face as he looked up at Sam.

"I know," Sam answered setting her hand gently on his shoulder.

"I'm angry, Sam. But it's not right to be angry with her, is it? Why, how could she do this?"

By now, Jack had woken. Finding Sam gone he'd straggled out to the kitchen himself. Meeting Sam's eyes, he knew it was okay to join them.

"You know I'm no expert on feelings Daniel, but I think anger would be understandable right about now," Jack volunteered, knowing his friend would welcome his opinion.

"She's gone, Jack. It was my fault she got the gun, my fault she ran. She was my responsibility. I promised to take care of her. So how can I be angry at her?"

"I think you just are, Daniel. You just are."

They sat at the kitchen table with long periods of silence between then for another hour before finally giving in to their respective levels of exhaustion and heading off to bed.

OoOoOo

The funeral was a combination wake and prayer service, held at the Jackson home. Everything had been prepared by Daniel's friends from the SGC. Sarah's remains had already been shipped to England where she would be buried early the next week in her family mausoleum, joining her parents and siblings who had predeceased her. Though initially taken aback by the request he'd found in his wife's last will and testament, Daniel understood her desire to be taken back to her childhood home.

A week after the funeral he traveled to Devonshire, England accompanied by Jack, Sam, Teal'c and General Hammond. He buried his wife in the country of her birth, surrounded by his own closest friends. Sarah had few friends or contacts remaining in England, having left soon after her postgraduate work. Daniel was her only living family.

On the plane back to the states, Daniel broke the news.

"I'm leaving."

"Care to share more specifically?" Jack queried.

"The SGC, the states. I need to get away on my own for awhile, Jack".

"Where to?"

"Don't know exactly. I tried for Atlantis, but Landry wouldn't go for it. Said I wasn't stable enough for the assignment right now. Maybe I'll stay in England for awhile. Or Egypt. Actually, Nick's estate was in Egypt, the estate he willed me when he disappeared."

"Estate you say?"

"Yeah. I've had it managed by a caretaker. Wasn't really interested in going there, let alone running the place. But now, why not?"

"How about 'you need your friends right now and you shouldn't be alone'."

"I appreciate all you and Sam have done. And Teal'c, he's almost moved back from Chulak these past weeks. I don't think I would have made it without you. But now, guys, I need to find out what I'm about. I keep loosing people. I just need to be on my own for awhile."

OoOoOo

Once back in Colorado Springs, sitting in Daniel's living room as he packed, Jack began, "So you're really going?"

"Yeah, Jack. That's why there are five suitcases and a steamer trunk packed in my living room. I'm planning on going to Egypt."

"Daniel, I don't like this. I can't stop you, can I?"

"No, you can't."

"Okay, but so help me if you don't stay in touch, I'll find you. I'll be there to babysit, you know I will."

"Egypt, Jack?"

"No problem, Thor will have me there in seconds."

Daniel couldn't help but chuckle at the last comment. "Thor, now that would be interesting. Jack, I'll stay in contact."

"I mean it Daniel. If I don't hear from you for more than a week, I'm coming after you."

"Okay, Jack. I've got the message. Thanks." Daniel smiled wanly at his good friend. They continued packing together. Daniel's flight left later that day.

* * *

_A/N: One more chapter planned for this story. All feedback much appreciated_.


	6. Chapter 6 Moving On

CHAPTER SIX: MOVING ON

The air was hot and dry, typical desert heat. He'd have to get used to that. He certainly had enough creature comforts in the estate to make up for any temporary discomfort caused by the oppressive weather. He didn't remember it being like this on Abydos. Terrain looked the same, but always felt more comfortable. Maybe it was just because Sha're was there. Who knows? Right about now Daniel wasn't sure of much of anything.

He'd taken up residence at Nick's place about a month ago. Before finally settling in, he'd wandered around England looking for Sarah's family and then spent time traveling through Europe. He wasn't in any particular hurry to get to Egypt. Though it was a mecca for most archeologists, Egypt held few secrets for Daniel Jackson. And Daniel desperately needed to find new secrets that could hold wonder for him again.

What had started as running away from the pain had turned into a quest of self discovery. He needed to find out who he was without someone to take care of in his life. For the past fifteen years he'd felt responsible either for a wife who needed him desperately or for the fate of the known universe.

True to his word, Jack O'Neill had kept in regular contact during Daniel's sojourn. Wherever he found himself, Daniel wouldhave a phone or e-mail message from Jack, Sam, the twins and sometimes even Cassie and Janet. Teal'c sent snail mail. More often than not he was treated to Jack's inimitable humor, Sam's gentle concern or cute hand drawn pictures from his honorary niece and nephew. He knew he was loved by these people. Moreover, he knew without a doubt that failure to keep in touch would lead to a surprise visit from a certain Lieutenant General. As much as he missed his 'family' he knew this wasn't what he needed. So he faithfully contacted Jack at least once a week, if only to say 'hello' and let him know he was still among the living.

OoOoOo

Once Jack, Sam and Teal'c put him on the direct flight for Cairo some 7 months ago, he'd stopped briefly at his grandfather's estate outside Giza. After greeting the caretaker and sundry servants who watched over what was now his estate, he'd dropped off the steamer trunk and booked a flight to London. Knowing that wouldn't have been Jack's idea of a good plan, he hadn't told his friend that this was his preferred destination. He just knew he couldn't leave Sarah all alone quite yet.

The whole idea wasn't as morose as it would have looked to Jack at first glance. Daniel's plan was to look up any family members Sarah might have lost touch with over the years and let them know what had happened to her. He wanted people who lived close by to know about her.

It hadn't taken long. Though Sarah hadn't shared much with him about her family over the years, within a week of searching genealogical charts, he'd discovered information leading him to cousins who'd been separated from Sarah when they were children. Although Daniel had placed a death notice in the local papers around the time of Sarah's burial, her cousins had known nothing of it as they were on a dig in Scotland at the time. There are no coincidences.

In the weeks he stayed with Sarah's distant family, he learned precious information about his wife's childhood. And he allowed them to thank him for caring for their cousin during the final struggles of her life. Living close as they did to the family mausoleum, they assured Daniel that Sarah would never be forgotten in her native land.

After his time in England, Daniel went on to travel through Europe, Asia and northern Africa, resigning himself to the fact that he would end up in Egypt eventually. He immersed himself in research into ancient religions during his travels. Though as an archeologist he had a good basic knowledge of world religions, he'd never approached the study from a personal standpoint. Now he had a different perspective.

His quest had turned into a search for a genuine higher power, an understanding of something more powerful than himself. He searched for a meaning for it all, meaning that wouldn't collapse under the weight of his loss. Ascension, to his surprise, had never provided all the answers he needed.

Seems his life was a matter of changing perspectives.

OoOoOo

By the time he returned to Egypt, nearly ten months after Sarah's death, Daniel was ready to settle down, at least for a little while. A big part of him wanted to go home to his friends, but knew it wasn't time. Although he'd begun to sleep better and was able to get through the better part of a day without crying when he thought of Sarah, he hadn't found the peace of mind he craved.

Instead, he made himself at home on Nick's estate. He'd been here for visits as a child, but that was such a long time ago. The estate covered a couple of acres of land. The main house was elegant, covered with artifacts from the years Nick had spent exploring all corners of the globe. It was more than enough to hold his interest at least for a short time.

Soon he found himself missing Nick. It had been almost 10 years since his grandfather had stayed behind with the mysterious giants on P7X-377. Yet another person lost to Daniel, or so he thought.

Just when he found himself feeling very alone in this big house, he stumbled upon yet one more neatly packed archive box. This particularly box was loaded with Nick's journals. Daniel had modeled his own journaling habit after Nicholas Ballard, his maternal grandfather. So he had a pretty good idea that opening these notebooks he'd find more than just random recollections of an old man. They contained a well thought out recounting of Nick's own struggles over the years.

As Daniel sat down to read his grandfather's notebooks he was amazed to find that Nick had gone through similar struggles as a young man. In spite of his far reaching travels, Nicholas Ballard had struggled mightily to find a deeper meaning behind love, life and loss.

As he learned about his grandfather, Daniel learned about himself.

OoOoOo

Nearly a year after he'd left Colorado Springs, Daniel Jackson sat down to write his weekly e-mail to his friend, Jack O'Neill.

"Dear Jack,

It's 115 degrees in the shade here today. How is it for you? I bet you have snow since it's December.

I've sent Christmas gifts for Jake and Grace, hope they like them. I know nothing can match the art work. Please make sure they know Uncle Danny saves every drawing they send me.

I finished Nick's journals today. He's really quite a man you know. I hope I turned out like him at least a little. Actually I think I did. I'm finding that I struggle in the same ways and we look for the same things.

I don't know for sure when or if I'm coming back, Jack. I know I promised to think about coming back after a year, but I don't think I'm ready. I need more time. I promise I'll keep in touch.

I miss everyone. It's just not time… yet.

Daniel

The End ( of this particular story)

* * *

A/N: Daniel's ongoing emotional recovery will be part of the continuing Alone series, beginning with the upcoming Part 5 Saving the World. As the series progresses, there will be more details about what Daniel discovered in Nick's journals and his discoveries during his time away from the team.

Thanks for reading this piece. I was surprised at the small number of hits this particular story received beginning with the first chapter. Not very many people gave this one an initial look see, even checking out the first chapter.

Obviously, all of you reading this sentence made it to the end and aren't the ones to ask, but any insights would be appreciated. Hoping for a more robust response to the next story!


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